Walfred

A little back story before you read this. I was walking on campus the other day and noticed a sign on a tree that said "Notice: this tree is scheduled for removal on December 21st." At first glance I didn't think much of it, but then a thought occurred to me. How does this tree feel about it's near future death? The tree didn't look like much of a hazard to me. I know trees can't express their feelings, but what if.  This sign and this tree wandered my thoughts for a few days and then I envisioned a story. I could see it clearly in my head and I knew I had to write it out. This is it. 

She held me in the palm of her hand like I was her ticket to the best ride in the amusement park. Her small fingers kept tracing over the sides of my small frame. I could hear her excited breath as she carried me to an unknown place. I was a seed then. And this little girl was about to give me life.

"Luna, you must do as exactly as I say. That way this walnut tree can grow big and healthy. Just like you," said a deeper voice next to her.

"I can't wait, Daddy. This could be the best birthday present any four year old could ever get," the vibrations from her voice traveled down through her fingers to the palm of her hand where I lay. I could feel every word she spoke.

"Can I name him Walfred? Will I be able to climb him when he is grown up?" Luna said.

"Yes and yes."

After that was spoken, Luna tossed me from her palm and into a place of coldness. It was moist and I could feel depths of darkness. I then felt weight being pushed upon my small frame of a seed. Heavier and heavier. As constrained as I felt, I also felt secure.

I felt safe.

Time proceeded to go on as time does. Sometimes I'd feel the vibrations of things stepping above me, or feel water tickle down my sides.

Then it happened. I broke through the surface. I wasn't a seed anymore. I started to reach for the sunlight every day at any moment I could. To stretch upwards was liberating. I didn't feel constrained by the ground below me, but empowered by the sky above me.

Luna came to me almost every day. She would talk to me about all sorts of things and I always listened. Some days she would be silent and tap on my bark. It went a little something like tippity-tap-tap-tippity-tap.  It was those days she would tap on my bark, I knew she was over whelmed with thoughts. But who I am to say, I am just a tree. A tree that was always there when she needed company. She would look at my small stature and say we'd grow up together. Big and tall.

As years passed, my branches become fuller with the gift of the sun's light and then bare with the chill of the wind. Luna put a bird house on my strongest branch. I enjoyed having the extra attention of the birds. Their melodies and songs always put me at ease.

"You know, Walfred. You could use some lights. It's Christmas and I know Mom and Pop would adore you if you were dressed up in lights."

Luna even put a string all around me once. From top to bottom. The string would be warm at night and would always draw people closer to me. It was nice to have the extra warmth during those frigid days.

Luna's visits to me started to dwindle. I became a little lonely at times but the birdhouse was my solace.

After a long while of not feeling Luna's presence she fell to the base of my trunk. I could feel droplets of water landing on the bark of my roots. Her breath was frantic and I could feel her heart racing through the palm of her hand as she grasped my side. She sat there curled up beside me and I knew something wasn't right.

"How could this happen? I never even got to say goodbye."

Her body trembled terribly. The droplets of water kept dripping down, down, down.

"I can still remember the day we planted this tree together."

She didn't leave my side for a long while. Tapping at my bark incessantly. Tippity-tap-tap-tippity...tap.

That was the last time I was in Luna's presence. After that day, the air around me became empty. The bird house on my branch had been taken off. The rhythm and beat I was so use to feeling no longer existed. I accepted that my life wouldn't be the same as it was when Luna was around.

The agonizing silence of many suns and many winds passed me by. I grew, big and tall. And time proceeded to go on as time does.

That silence was broken by a vibration so strong, my roots shifted below me. I could feel something, something large. It moved the soil around me and shook the leaves from my branches as it came closer.

"This one here is a Walnut. I say we cut this one down and sell it to the furniture factory. I think there's good money to be made from this one."

That's when I felt it. A sharp dizzying pain enter the middle of my trunk. It rattled me to my very core. I couldn't even fathom what was happening before it was too late. I couldn't feel my roots below me. They were gone. I blacked out.

I awoke in a stale room. My body felt disfigured. I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way. I could feel people around, voices drifting above. My strength was fading, my soul was slowly being drained by my new shape.

"This coffee table right here is made of the highest quality walnut. It has a dark finish to bring out the richness in its color. What do you think?"

I could feel a warmth of fingers stiffly touch the top of my being.

"I think this one is perfect. It's the perfect size as well. She can't get up very well and her eyesight is failing so it will nice for her to have something to hold onto when she stands up. Although, she won't be able to see the table and it's beautiful color, I have a feeling this one will do perfectly."

I felt smaller, weaker. My branches had left me. My leaves, non-existent. I guess I was nearing my end. Someone lifted me from the ground and put me in a bumpy environment. Up and down I bounced as I felt confined to four walls of what seemed to be cold like metal. The shakiness subsided finally, for it was giving me quite the headache, and I could feel the touch of light.

"You guys can just carry it in there and set it in the middle of the living room. Be careful of her medications on the end table as you walk in, please."

Once again, that lifted sensation was all around me. I was floating and then abruptly set down. I was exhausted by this time. The sets of foot steps around me were obnoxious as each vibration traveled through the ground right through me. I had a feeling I'd be fading away completely soon.

The footsteps stopped and only one remained. They were shuffled and slow in pace. Each foot dragged to its next step. Until they stopped next to me. A trembling hand rested upon me. It wasn't as warm as I thought it would be, but it was still comforting. That comfort turned into a calm slumber. But before I drifted into the darkness and let my new shape overtake me, I felt it.

I felt it like it was just yesterday.

Tippity-tap-tap-tippity-tap.

Who knew, I'd end up right where I belonged.

Dear Dad

I wrote this letter for my father. He died on November 3rd, 2012. He was 55. My family members in Indonesia are compiling all the letters from family and friends and putting them in a book to commemorate him. I wanted to share mine. Not for sympathy, just to share. To release my thoughts.

Dear Dad,

A letter like this could never suffice the amount of love and admiration I have for you. There are just not enough words to help me describe what you mean to me. You loved me completely and unconditionally, a true father that simply wanted to make his daughter feel loved. You did just that. I think what I will miss most are the songs we use to sing in the car, how we would replay it over and over and belt it out. You had a pretty good singing voice actually and I enjoyed hearing you sing. "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5. We had a lot of songs that will always remind me of you when I hear them, and for that I'm very thankful. I want to work with my art skills more because I know you always wanted me to. I always enjoyed it, I've just neglected it and i don't want to anymore. You are now up with your son and I know you two had such a deep connection. I hope to live my life in honor of both of you, and to live through both of your spirits. I still can't believe you're gone. But in reality, I know you're not. You'll always be with me. With me in the times when I accomplish and times when I struggle. That gives me some comfort, knowing you'll always hold a place in my heart and essentially in my whole being. I am half of what you are but wholly your daughter. Our connection through time and space will extend much deeper and richer than any relation bound by blood could ever embody. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel special. Rest in paradise, daddy. Aku Cinta Kamu. 

Love always, 
Jenny 

Moments

The best moments in life are the ones when the tick tock of time disappears. Those moments where you don't worry about the hour because you're so engrossed, so involved in whatever is in the present. Why is it that we don't give this present moment as much appreciation as it deserves? I find myself toiling with the worry of tomorrow or dwelling on the doings of the past. It's quite irritating. What about the now, why do we have to be creatures so stuck in anything but the moment at hand.

I can recall a day this past summer where I wasn't stuck in the chains of the past or future... but I was comfortably seated in the present. My parents, nephew, and I all went on a camping trip. On this particular day we all did a little fishing on the lake, caught a tiny frog, swam with the dogs, cooked up some hot dogs on the fire, napped, and witnessed the most visually pleasing sunset of my entire life. It was on the other side of the campsite area next to a neighboring lake. We walked upon from behind a thick group of trees and man... I can't explain how breath taking it was. The clouds were perfectly painted against a myriad of soft colors. The reflection of the sky in the water of the lake was aching with serene beauty. The mountains in the distance were proudly displaying their strength against a view that made your knees weak. I wanted to take a photo so badly but hadn't brought the camera or my phone with me to do so. So I made a promise to myself to take a mental photo, I never wanted to forget that day, that moment when mother nature had selflessly given me a gift. As we started to walk back to our campsite, I kept looking back at the sunset. It's beauty was gravitating, mesmerizing.

I think as we get older we lose sight of showing gratitude for the now. I write this to remind myself, and others if you read this, that how can we not cherish each moment and give it the appreciation it deserves? Of course, learning from your past is necessary and planning for your future is needed as well. I get that. But take a moment to stop worrying and start embracing this very moment. I mean it. If you're reading this take a moment. Take a deep breath. Again. Put your hand over your heart and feel the rhythm of life that flows through you. Stretch. You're alive.

Grief All Grown Up

When you were born your tears were as sharp as knives. Each one stabbed at your glowing cheeks. I held you in my arms, shocked that I had created such an entity.  I looked in your glossy eyes and immediately without a second thought I said, "I will name you Grief."

The other day I thought about all the times in my life where I had become overwhelmed with some sort of tragedy and how grief would consume me. That aching feeling of despair that seems to take refuge in the depths of your heart and in the corners of your soul. I then thought of how "grief" could actually be compared to raising a child. You see you give birth to the child, it's new unfamiliar and at times uncomfortable. Grief always felt like that to me in the beginning after something tragic happened. I knew I wasn't familiar with it but I knew it was something I just couldn't leave on someone else's doorstep. And as a child grows up so does grief. A child tends to have breakthroughs or stepping stones that he or she achieves as they grow older. Grief does as well. As time goes on grief will make strides and show you that it's ready to get out of the diapers it's been in for years. Sure, we'd like to think the transformation from child to adult would be smooth sailing but we all know bumps on the road occur. Misjudgments, mistakes, falls, scrapes, cuts <--- that all happens. And just when you think grief has come so far it can too fall down that one stair on the front porch that you're dad never fixed, or wet the bed after years of using the big person toilet. It's quite the image to conjure in your mind... trying to visualize grief as a substance of reality. But with experience and tears both a child and grief grow. Growth is hard to ignore because when someone wants to move forward growth becomes inevitable. The funny thing is once that child becomes an adult they'll never really "grow up" per say. Quite frankly, grief will do the same. In my experience I've sent many griefs off to college, they've started families, but there is always that lingering sense of attachment. That sense of belonging because we're bound by blood. I will not call it back, just as a parent would not call their child back to the nest, because I want them to be free. Maybe some people think grief is a bad thing, I think it's a necessary thing. It allows a person to feel. And the day your child walks off without your hand in theirs, you know you've achieved something great. 

Oh, College.

As my junior year is coming near to it's end, I can't help but think of how much I've changed since entering college. I thought I'd write a list of the most important things I've learned thus far. This is just based on my experiences and I'm sure that many people have different opinions, so there is my disclaimer before you read.

1. Handfuls of acquaintances can be easily made, but true friendships are difficult to find.
2. To be happy with school and social life at the same time you must find that perfect balance between both.
3. Don't party harder than your liver can process, you'll wake up in your own vomit.
4. Don't let a bad grade or bad academic experience decide your attitude for the rest of your college career.
5. Cheap pizza will suffice, but free pizza is always better.
6. Those clipboard people who annoyingly stock students for a signature have feelings too.
7. Your good habits and bad habits now will probably stay with you until you "grow up."
8. Take your time and embrace the now, the future can wait.
9. Not everyone has good intentions.
10. You can't please the masses, just try to please yourself and the good karma will translate into positivity all around.


That's a short list that I thought would be good to look back on. Next year is my last year (if all goes to plan) and it's mind boggling to say the least. To think that 3 years ago I was graduating high school, and now about to graduate college. Although, graduating high school definitely felt more... what's the word I'm looking for... purposeful. As compared with college, nowadays getting a degree doesn't secure you a career. In high school it was to focus on college, in college you have to focus on the path for the rest of your life. The difference in goals is staggering but exciting.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Let's talk...

I've decided to scratch the idea of finishing that story, mainly because I lost the interest in to pursue it. But, you're more than welcome to finish it if you'd like.


Today I'd like to talk about a quote I came across the other day. I've seen it before but this time it just hit the right chord within me, and the meaning just seemed to radiate from it bright and clear. I am a connoisseur of quotes. I have had a love and adoration for quotes ever since middle school. Actually, I think the fascination started when MySpace was introduced to the masses. When we had to write the "About Me" section and make it look pretty and clever... I drooled over good quotes because I loved adding them to my profile for all to see.  Ever since, I've come across many that I'm infatuated with and maybe in another post I'll put down some of my absolute favorites. The reason I enjoy quotes is because they have a powerful meaning in few words. They can change the way you look at life, how you feel about yourself, or how you will go about your future in just a sentence or two. To me that is extremely powerful, to be able to convey a powerful message in a concise format. I posted the picture below on my Instagram today (@_jennyfrmtheblk) and thought I'd post it here as well, just because I can (so some of what I write is from what I wrote on my IG earlier).

"Life can only be understood backwards"

 When I first read that quote it instantly made me feel a connection with it's meaning. I think we question why things happen far too much, spend hours analyzing why something happened the way it did. Just let life flow and you'll soon see that everything (the good & bad) happened for a reason. Whether it was to teach you a lesson or to give you a new perspective, don't dwell on the past. Just embrace the here and now. I've witnessed so many people, including myself, go through a tribulation and at the time of the event it seems like the end of the world. It feels as though the hardship doesn't make any sense and you wonder how you will ever bounce back or that things in your life won't be the same. The thing to remember is that life goes on and a problem isn't going to plague you as long as you are resilient. Once a person goes through something they always come out of the other side stronger, smarter, and ultimately better. Just imagine if you hadn't gone through some of the hardest times of your life, yes it would've been easier but you wouldn't have known the valuable lessons you know today. So, once you can look back at the span of your life you will realize that all those pesky problems or freak accidents are what shaped you, molded you, and let you evolve into a wiser human being. I believe there is a underlying force that drives the balance of life, and that instead of questioning outcomes we must learn from them and move on. 


Ciao xoxo

Writing Prompt #1

I have found a wonderful blog where an english teacher posts his writing prompts he gives to his students. It's absolutely genius and to honor how great it is I want to partake in it.

http://writingprompts.tumblr.com/post/17477297690/my-28-most-tried-and-true-writing-prompts

Follow that link to check out his 28 favorites I assume. Here is my attempt at my first writing prompt via his blog. The schtuff I write for each prompt will be in the color blue. Ok, here goes.

They came around the corner slowly, but it seemed fast at the same time. It was all a blur because sweat was dripping into my fifth eye and I couldn't see what was going on. I looked away as the judges came closer. I tried to make time stop by looking away. My parents weren't even there beside me but instead thought even my project was so horrible that they'd go meander around and look at the others. You see, I've never been a great student. This science  project was the only piece of work I put hours into, but the fact that even my parents weren't impressed gave me reason to believe I should've left my project right there as well. 

I took a quick glance over to see if the judges were close to my table yet. Only three away. I looked at one of the judges faces and he looked critical. His chin was cradled by his two fingers and he glared right into the students eye while the other two mindlessly seemed to jot down things on their clipboards. I knew it, I knew he was going to be a hard nosed schmuck. I shook my head and and knew I couldn't start making up scenarios before they had even come to my table. 

It was my baby, my child. Okay, I know. I probably sound like some crazed middle aged scientist but this project had been the only thing I had been giving my time to for the past three months. My parents even thought I had changed from this project. I looked over to see the judges inch closer, and the girl they had just previously evaluated burst out into a manic state of tears. She ran across the room wailing for her mother. Now my heart is racing.

Will the judges even ask my name? What if I vomit on them? What would be the first thing I could say? I guess the first thing I should say is, "It's called Earth."

To be continued. I'm sleepy.