Everything I Can Remember About My Father

I was going through some old journal entries and stumbled across this one I had written about my father. I want to share this because it's a reminder for me and for anyone else that happens to read this... the subtle nuances about a person can be the most poignant memories you have of them. I know my father isn't truly gone, but it's these memories that help me instill his spirit within mine. I'll keep adding to this list of course as more things come to me.

Everything I can remember about my father:

-His smile

-When he picked me up from my Mom’s and I pretended I was asleep the entire ride to the hotel in the car. I held onto his arm for comfort the whole ride.

-He liked roller coasters, like me.

-When he had a favorite song, we would listen to it over and over again.

-He would sweat when he ate food that was too spicy.

-He would swing karaoke well.

-He always wore the same type of shoe/sandal.

-I always remember looking at his feet and thinking “my feet look like his.”

-He would sniff a lot.

-He would pop his elbows a lot.

-He loved powdered donuts. Donuts in general.

-He drove dangerously fast.

-He always like to talk about how my ancestors were royalty. That I have royal blood.

-He could draw whales and flamingos.

-He would always tell me to “be cool.”

-He loved Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5.

-Our song was that No Doubt one.

-He would always ask me who I loved the most.

-He loved the playstation. We would hook it up to the hotel TV and play Tekken for hours.

-He would always get me a toy from Toys R us.

-We would always go to the market in Indonesia and get the pirated DVDs.

-He always wanted me to interpret his dreams.

-He called me cheebeelee girl.

-He loved to ride motorcycles as much as me.

It's the little things, I tell ya. 

The Legacy of Mister Rogers

The "Simple Seven" Life Lessons of Mister Rogers

If you're a 90s baby like me, Mister Rogers was a part of your life at one time or another. It's a funny thing to think about how as a child I never knew how profound he was at the time, but now as an adult it is literally mind boggling.  I came across this book at the library called "The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember." I flipped through the first few pages and was instantly glued to the simple ideas and words that Mister Rogers lived by. The book is full of quotes said by him and many have such a meaningful lesson that I wanted to pick out seven of my favorites and share my thoughts about each. Here is the first one.

"The thing I remember best about successful people I've met all through the years is their obvious delight in what they're doing... and it seems to have very little to do with worldly success. They just love what they're doing, and they love it in front of others." -Mister Rogers

              I'm sure you've heard the saying that goes "do what you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life." As many times as I've heard that, hearing it in Mister Rogers' words resonated at a much higher level with me. It really makes you switch your perspective on what a "job" is and what it entails. Sometimes when I think of a job I think of the 9 to 5, clock in and clock out, working under the scrutiny of a tyrant boss, etc. It's something you do to pay the bills. It's taxing and tiring. 

               In this quote, he touches on the point that gaining worldly success actually has nothing to do with simply trying to gain worldly success by any means possible. Success lies in the mere fact of doing something you truly enjoy. To be happy that you get to live out your passion. With that driving force, the good things will follow. Of course, monetary gains are helpful and not a bad thing... but when success flourishes from the seed of passion rather than the seed of greed it's more likely to last and keep you a happy person. :) 

I'll share my second Mister Rogers' quote next Wednesday. So I'd stick around if I were you. 

My Mirror

My Mirror

My mirror became our mirror.

My eyes became your eyes.

My reflection in this mirror is not me.

It’s us.

Your every move, every word, every emotion

Because what’s a mirror if it doesn’t reflect.

Your every tear, every laugh, every day.

Because what’s a mirror if it doesn’t reflect.

What I saw in the mirror.

It wasn’t me, it was us.

The day my reflection disappeared…

Hollow.

I looked in my mirror, blind.

Words tried to escape my mouth, silence.

Thoughts tried to manifest, nothing.

Reflection left, gained emptiness.

My mirror.

Our mirror.

Your mirror.

"The Awakening"

I didn't write this, I'm just putting it here to share and so I don't lose it.

The Awakening(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH. Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon. You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally. You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire. You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Comfort in the Uncomfortable

These past few months I've been able to learn a large amount about myself. I've been able to step out of my own shoes and with sharing this lesson with you, maybe I can help you in some way as well. That lesson being that: Put yourself in uncomfortable situations for that is when growth occurs at its highest potential. Below is my personal experience with how I came to this realization.

I asked for help. For those of us who don't want our ego or pride to be diminished by asking for help, I say... stop. The moment you realize you will always have something to learn about yourself, that your evolution doesn't stop once you say it does, you allow yourself to flourish. I use to think that asking for help symbolized a white flag. Now I know it symbolizes knowledge of oneself strengths and weaknesses.

 I felt my emotions. I've never been an overly emotional person. Over the past few years I've softened up quite a bit, maybe it was something that came with age. But the past few months I've taken the steps to allow myself fully sit in my emotions rather than turn to my usual coping mechanism of sweeping things under the rug. I've learned that if I kept piling emotional baggage at the door, I'd be trapped eventually. Stuck. I started giving myself permission to not be so cold to my emotional needs.

I  embraced being vulnerable, not to give power to another person but rather to give solace to myself. I think a lot of us struggle with trying to balance the power in a relationship. Whether it be a friendship or partnership... there is something to be said that whoever has the control thus has the power. In some situations, I think having this power gives people a sense of security....an armor or a shield. Why do people wear armor? Because they don't want to get hurt. I've learned to let go of that.

What do all of those things have in common? While asking for help, feeling my emotions, becoming vulnerable I felt extremely uncomfortable.  So uncomfortable to the point where I wanted to freeze and turn around and take an emergency exit. But, I forced myself to be uncomfortable because my instincts told me that whether or not a situation turned out in my favor, ultimately I would be able dig deeper into my character and learn something about myself. As that one quote says, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." This lesson can resonate with so many aspects of life, these are just a few examples from mine that I've gone through recently.

Keep pushing yourself to the edge of your comfort zone. You will find out that instead of falling off that edge... you'll find a way to grow a pair of wings. Cheesy, yes. But I like cheese.

Walfred

A little back story before you read this. I was walking on campus the other day and noticed a sign on a tree that said "Notice: this tree is scheduled for removal on December 21st." At first glance I didn't think much of it, but then a thought occurred to me. How does this tree feel about it's near future death? The tree didn't look like much of a hazard to me. I know trees can't express their feelings, but what if.  This sign and this tree wandered my thoughts for a few days and then I envisioned a story. I could see it clearly in my head and I knew I had to write it out. This is it. 

She held me in the palm of her hand like I was her ticket to the best ride in the amusement park. Her small fingers kept tracing over the sides of my small frame. I could hear her excited breath as she carried me to an unknown place. I was a seed then. And this little girl was about to give me life.

"Luna, you must do as exactly as I say. That way this walnut tree can grow big and healthy. Just like you," said a deeper voice next to her.

"I can't wait, Daddy. This could be the best birthday present any four year old could ever get," the vibrations from her voice traveled down through her fingers to the palm of her hand where I lay. I could feel every word she spoke.

"Can I name him Walfred? Will I be able to climb him when he is grown up?" Luna said.

"Yes and yes."

After that was spoken, Luna tossed me from her palm and into a place of coldness. It was moist and I could feel depths of darkness. I then felt weight being pushed upon my small frame of a seed. Heavier and heavier. As constrained as I felt, I also felt secure.

I felt safe.

Time proceeded to go on as time does. Sometimes I'd feel the vibrations of things stepping above me, or feel water tickle down my sides.

Then it happened. I broke through the surface. I wasn't a seed anymore. I started to reach for the sunlight every day at any moment I could. To stretch upwards was liberating. I didn't feel constrained by the ground below me, but empowered by the sky above me.

Luna came to me almost every day. She would talk to me about all sorts of things and I always listened. Some days she would be silent and tap on my bark. It went a little something like tippity-tap-tap-tippity-tap.  It was those days she would tap on my bark, I knew she was over whelmed with thoughts. But who I am to say, I am just a tree. A tree that was always there when she needed company. She would look at my small stature and say we'd grow up together. Big and tall.

As years passed, my branches become fuller with the gift of the sun's light and then bare with the chill of the wind. Luna put a bird house on my strongest branch. I enjoyed having the extra attention of the birds. Their melodies and songs always put me at ease.

"You know, Walfred. You could use some lights. It's Christmas and I know Mom and Pop would adore you if you were dressed up in lights."

Luna even put a string all around me once. From top to bottom. The string would be warm at night and would always draw people closer to me. It was nice to have the extra warmth during those frigid days.

Luna's visits to me started to dwindle. I became a little lonely at times but the birdhouse was my solace.

After a long while of not feeling Luna's presence she fell to the base of my trunk. I could feel droplets of water landing on the bark of my roots. Her breath was frantic and I could feel her heart racing through the palm of her hand as she grasped my side. She sat there curled up beside me and I knew something wasn't right.

"How could this happen? I never even got to say goodbye."

Her body trembled terribly. The droplets of water kept dripping down, down, down.

"I can still remember the day we planted this tree together."

She didn't leave my side for a long while. Tapping at my bark incessantly. Tippity-tap-tap-tippity...tap.

That was the last time I was in Luna's presence. After that day, the air around me became empty. The bird house on my branch had been taken off. The rhythm and beat I was so use to feeling no longer existed. I accepted that my life wouldn't be the same as it was when Luna was around.

The agonizing silence of many suns and many winds passed me by. I grew, big and tall. And time proceeded to go on as time does.

That silence was broken by a vibration so strong, my roots shifted below me. I could feel something, something large. It moved the soil around me and shook the leaves from my branches as it came closer.

"This one here is a Walnut. I say we cut this one down and sell it to the furniture factory. I think there's good money to be made from this one."

That's when I felt it. A sharp dizzying pain enter the middle of my trunk. It rattled me to my very core. I couldn't even fathom what was happening before it was too late. I couldn't feel my roots below me. They were gone. I blacked out.

I awoke in a stale room. My body felt disfigured. I couldn't understand why I was feeling this way. I could feel people around, voices drifting above. My strength was fading, my soul was slowly being drained by my new shape.

"This coffee table right here is made of the highest quality walnut. It has a dark finish to bring out the richness in its color. What do you think?"

I could feel a warmth of fingers stiffly touch the top of my being.

"I think this one is perfect. It's the perfect size as well. She can't get up very well and her eyesight is failing so it will nice for her to have something to hold onto when she stands up. Although, she won't be able to see the table and it's beautiful color, I have a feeling this one will do perfectly."

I felt smaller, weaker. My branches had left me. My leaves, non-existent. I guess I was nearing my end. Someone lifted me from the ground and put me in a bumpy environment. Up and down I bounced as I felt confined to four walls of what seemed to be cold like metal. The shakiness subsided finally, for it was giving me quite the headache, and I could feel the touch of light.

"You guys can just carry it in there and set it in the middle of the living room. Be careful of her medications on the end table as you walk in, please."

Once again, that lifted sensation was all around me. I was floating and then abruptly set down. I was exhausted by this time. The sets of foot steps around me were obnoxious as each vibration traveled through the ground right through me. I had a feeling I'd be fading away completely soon.

The footsteps stopped and only one remained. They were shuffled and slow in pace. Each foot dragged to its next step. Until they stopped next to me. A trembling hand rested upon me. It wasn't as warm as I thought it would be, but it was still comforting. That comfort turned into a calm slumber. But before I drifted into the darkness and let my new shape overtake me, I felt it.

I felt it like it was just yesterday.

Tippity-tap-tap-tippity-tap.

Who knew, I'd end up right where I belonged.

Dear Dad

I wrote this letter for my father. He died on November 3rd, 2012. He was 55. My family members in Indonesia are compiling all the letters from family and friends and putting them in a book to commemorate him. I wanted to share mine. Not for sympathy, just to share. To release my thoughts.

Dear Dad,

A letter like this could never suffice the amount of love and admiration I have for you. There are just not enough words to help me describe what you mean to me. You loved me completely and unconditionally, a true father that simply wanted to make his daughter feel loved. You did just that. I think what I will miss most are the songs we use to sing in the car, how we would replay it over and over and belt it out. You had a pretty good singing voice actually and I enjoyed hearing you sing. "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5. We had a lot of songs that will always remind me of you when I hear them, and for that I'm very thankful. I want to work with my art skills more because I know you always wanted me to. I always enjoyed it, I've just neglected it and i don't want to anymore. You are now up with your son and I know you two had such a deep connection. I hope to live my life in honor of both of you, and to live through both of your spirits. I still can't believe you're gone. But in reality, I know you're not. You'll always be with me. With me in the times when I accomplish and times when I struggle. That gives me some comfort, knowing you'll always hold a place in my heart and essentially in my whole being. I am half of what you are but wholly your daughter. Our connection through time and space will extend much deeper and richer than any relation bound by blood could ever embody. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel special. Rest in paradise, daddy. Aku Cinta Kamu. 

Love always, 
Jenny